My life as a Sitcom: Am I turning into Maxine? OMG

Lately I have been noticing alot of little things and they are all starting to irritate me.  Then I had an awful thought:

“Am I turning into one of those cranky people that complains all the time about the little things?

This picture came to mind:

Maxine

Oh no!  After I tell you my thoughts and experiences please let me know if I now resemble..at least in attitude the above image.

Here goes:

  • Twice I have been to restaurants where I practically had to beg for silverware.  What?  The waiter informed me they no longer had a sliverware wrapper.  I’m assuming this is a person and not a machine.  Still how hard is it to get silverware? ( and it wasn’t busy)
  • At the  second restaurant , after multiple requests for silverware,  I was handed just  a fork and a crappy one at that ( think camping silverware) . At that point I got up and got my own.
  • Vague Booking on Facebook also known as “I see you confused FB with your diary again”  These are just random posts that tell you nothing but are like cliffhangers begging for questions, sympathies, and concern as in “Do I have the courage to…..”  So we all have brain/facebook infarctions but when people do it ALL the time it is time to de-friend.
  • Why is my veterinarian’s office cleaner and better kept than my doctor’s office? ( oh wait I just looked at my vet bill..question answered)
  • Why are we fascinated with Kim Kardashian ( sympathies to her baby girl North by Northwest) and  Lyndsey Lohan ( sympathies to anyone who has to deal with her except maybe her lawyer who is making bank).

article-north-west-joke-0631

  • And why do we let people like Andrew Weiner ( aka let him show how photogenic his is) and Tiger Woods ( golf and PORN are his passions) get a second chance and we beat up on Paula Deen.  In all fairness I am not saying Paula Deen is totally innocent BUT Nike took a lot longer to un-endorse Tiger than than the Food Network did to drop Paula.
  • Movies that put all their best scenes in the trailer.  Argghh..the movie most guilty of this that comes to mind is “This is Forty” which should have been named “This is Boring”  OR celebrities like Will Smith, who made the movie “After Earth” solely to showcase his son who spent the entire movie running around with a constipated look on his face ( disclaimer: I am NOT a Sci Fi fan and my husband is and he thought it was an ok-good movie.
See....the most honest scene in the film..This IS boring!

See....the most honest scene in the film..This IS boring!

  • And last but not least are magazine subscripiton renewal notices.  Now they start coming before the first issue of the magazine arrives.  Or heaven forbid I should cancel a subscription.  Dear Oprah..Please don’t take this personally but I DID cancel my subscription in January.  I hear more from you than Publishers Clearing House.  So one last final time NO I DO NOT WANT TO RESUBSCRIBE!

OMG  I AM  Maxine and Oprah forced me to use all Upper Case Letters.

Well I guess I could do worse..but if Kim names her next baby “South” I’m breaking out the blue hair dye and making Maxine my new BFF!!

My Relationship Status with the Treadmill: “It’s Complicated”

Dear Treadmill,

I need you, I want you, I dislike you intensely.  You are always there for me, calling me, acting coy.  You whisper sweet encouragement like:

  • I will go as fast or as slow as you want
  • Your running wish is my command
  • I have a fan for you and lots of buttons for you,the gadget queen
  • I will keep you warm and dry
  • I will hold your water and make it available at any time
  • Music or TV..whatever you wish
  • If I fall ill my friend is right next to me as my back up

So I succumb to your sweet whispers as it rains or snows or even in the dark of night.  And you…

BETRAY ME…with

  • confusing buttons that make me go faster than I want
  • boredom…the scenery never changes
  • throwing me off when I dared to lose concentration
  • throwing me off again when I dared to remove my jacket and forgot to keep running
  • video taping the whole thing ( I think you have a deal with American Funniest Home Videos)
  • no sympathy for my scraped hands and knees ( see above)  I swear I heard you chuckle

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And yet I can’t resist going back and giving,you, Miss Treadmill, another try.  We are getting better at getting along.

You haven’t thrown me off the last couple of times ( my knees and  hands thank you), I’m learning to push the right buttons and have outsmarted you by staying focused ( instead of being like the dog who suddenly sees “squirrel”)

After looking for a you tube video to post to this blog I now understand your reluctance to be nice.

I found people who abused  you by:

  • running on you with high heels ( yeah..I’d throw her off too in a nano second and you did )
  • trying to bike on you instead of run
  • running drunk ( no explanation needed on what happened there)
  • trying to jump on after you are already running at full speed
  • playing hopscotch on you and your friends ( jumping from one running treadmill to the next)

Here’s a link to some of  “those”  treadmill abusers:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4XFDweEgeU

So despite your attitude problem, Miss Treadmill, I will continue to try but in the meantime I have bad news.

The open road will always be my main squeeze…oh yeah!

Run for the dream..just don’t run out of gas!

This past Sunday I completed my third half marathon and the only one I have attempted in warm weather.  The weather and Vitamin P ( procrastination) are the two biggest obstacles to my running.

I always come away  from these races with some good insights, a few chuckles and some new ( although often temporary) friends.

Here is what I learned from the Run for the Dream Half Marathon:

  • Don’t run out of gas.  I mean this in the truest sense.  Nothing like rolling into the parking lot on fumes!
  • Just glance at the weather predictions and I mean just look at whatever lame drawing they have..you know the ones with the clouds, sun, rain drops etc.  DO NOT READ the prediction of 81% humidity ( aka sauna)  Not the kind of adenaline rush I wanted the night before especially since I think it should be 65, sunny and with a light breeze for EVERY race.  ( a girl can wish can’t she?)
  • Remember not to break my rule of NOT looking at the race course and description before the race  Yup I looked and then remembered my mantra “Ignorance about hills  IS bliss!”

Okay..enough of the don’ts ..here are some aha’s.  Some are new and some are just things that have come to past over time.

  • No matter how good I feel or how strong I finish I always look like hell at the finish line..and that is okay.  I will never figure out how some women finish the race and still look fresh. And yes I am jealous!!
  • I like smaller races.  This one had between 2500-3000 runners.  Sounds like alot but not really. I’ve done a 10k with 40,000 of my closest friends and decided that 3,000 sweaty people is enough for me.
  • Go for the water even if its to pour it down my back or front.  The back is for the cooling effect..the front..well it gives a more dramatic display that I am actually working and sweating more intensely than I really am !
  • Don’t forget to have fun..here I am at mile 8.5 having some fun with the local parrotheads..I think if it had been a real bar half the runners would have quit right there…:)IMG_0071
  • Have a plan if  I end up being the very last person in..it hasn’t happened so far but the plan is in place.

Ready for this?

If I am going to have a police car following me becasue I am bringing up the rear then its time to do the ole princess wave, keep smiling and be grateful that I am at least running a tad faster than the police car or that some people may , possibly,  think I am famous.

Yeah right…

Seriously..I would work that bit so hard people would be cheering..or maybe the volunteers would be cheering that they can finally go home!

I  loved this race for the name alone. Who wouldn’t like to “Run for the Dream”?  Maybe I will just pick my races for the name from now on..hey works for me.

I do like to set an intention for each race long before the race day.  This time it was for a young adult named Jeremy and his family.  Jeremy had a pool accident last August that left him paralyzed from the chest down.  He is working hard to regain the use of his arms and legs.  His whole family runs for the dream EVERY day.  They could map out a course but hills and mountains and obstacles that they must tackle pop up when they least expect it.

Thinking of them and how they face their “run” everyday with faith, grace and smiles motivated me to get my rear end out the door and on the run.  I thought about them, prayed for them and thanked them for  letting me be a witness to their strength.

So Jeremy..I almost ran out of gas before the race even started..but I got there, I started, I finished and I thought of you.  May you continue on your race for YOUR dream and may all your future hills level out as you run your own race to recovery.

Oh and guess what..it turned out Sunday was Jeremy’s birthday ( I had no idea)…Happy Happy Birthday Jeremy..May all YOUR dreams come true!

Blessings,

The Worst Excuse Yet for Not Exercising..but funny!

I’ve heard a lot of excuses for not exercising and I’ve come up with many on my own.  Some of the excuses are valid, others borderline on “the dog ate my homework” “the dog ate my running clothes, shoes, water bottle..”  Wait , judging from the puppies I have had that one might actually be true.  🙂

issues_chewing

The one I heard recently was the best yet.  Well maybe not the best but the fact that it came from a guy makes it pretty unbelievable.

If it came from a woman it might fly but only a little.

Am I being sexist here?  You bet!

Just to be clear, this is an absolutely true story.  Talked to the person who actually witnessed it.

So this guy goes to his boss and starts complaining about one of the guys that works out at the company gym around the same time he does.

The boss is listening to this guy  complain and the guy won’t shut up . He just drones on and on and finally makes his point.  The boss is multi tasking, sort of just humoring this chronic complainer while shuffling papers. When he hears his actual complaint he looks up and just says:

“Get Out”!

His complaint?  One of the guys on the treadmill smells so bad that it keeps Homer from being able to exercise.

I’m not sure which is funnier..that his boss told him to get out or his excuse for not exercising.

IT”S A GYM  If there is one place you can stink, it is THE GYM.  I stink in the gym..not as much as the guys but I know I do and it’s okay.

Now if the guy was sitting next to him at work and stinks..I get it..make the boss tell the guy to go shower and get some deodorant but its THE GYM!

smelly

When I heard this all I could think of was a bit comedian Jeff Foxworthy does about the difference between men and women and smells.  Women are totally grossed out.  Guys..well guys smell something like old gym clothes in a bag, and they say something like “Woohee that smells bad” and then walks over to his friend and says’ Hey Jimbo..ya want take a whiff”  like its a badge of honor.

I think the boss had it right.  If you can’t take the smell then “Get out”

I’m off to the gym.  If you need to find me I’ll be the stinky one.

Let’s play “Where is Jenn?” on her Virtual Tri to Florida aka the UNamazing Race

I think it might be easier to find Waldo than to find me.  Trying to keep all my plates spinning in the air has been quite a challenge.  This virtual tri is quite the opposite of the Amazing Race.  The only amazing thing about it is that I am still determined to do it.

Hit a few roadblocks but I decided to declare this a “no whining, no excuse zone” so will just leave it at roadblocks.

Okay I will whine about one thing.  I usually love “springing forward” and daylight savings time but my body does not!  I should have been adjusted to the time change by the end of that week.   Instead there were a couple of times I would have paid big bucks to have that hour back.

Then, of course, we have the arrival of spring more winter.  We’ve had more snow in March than in any other month.  Ugh.

Guess that makes two whines!

I even did the treadmill and experienced bad treadmill karma.  You’ll have to wait on that story or perhaps see it on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

So my total mileage so far is 74.58   which means I am almost to the North Carolina border, somewhere on  US 301 S near Sussex Dr.

I truly thought I would be halfway there by now.  Maybe I need a new travel agent.

Swimming will be coming in April…indoors..where there is no snow, it’s warm and hopefully no mirrors 🙂

Who knows..I may find Waldo on my journey…wonder if he tri’s??
bldg

I guess he does!!

Keep Triing!!

My life as a sitcom: Couponing at its worst!

Well extreme couponing has taken on a new meaning in our house.  I skillfully kept my husband from seeing the show of the same name for many months. My biggest fear was that he would see it and being the lover of a great deal I would soon be tasked with clipping coupons, looking for sales and buying vasts amounts of things we really don’t need for the sake of the deal.

I have nothing against couponing, I just don’t want it to be my full time job.

Fortunately for me once Paul did see it, he recognized how time consuming it would be as well as bringing out the hoarder in all of us. Seriously who needs a whole case of deodorant?  Maybe a gym full of teenage boys if you can get them to use it.

Who would guess that couponing could actually get a little weird.

My parents grew up in the depression.  As a result, I grew up believing that you never threw out leftovers ( even if was only a tablespoon) and ALL plastic containers needed to be saved, reused, stored and allowed to multiply at alarming rates.

So I wasn’t surprised when my Dad said he was sending me a coupon that he thought I could use.  He prefaced it by asking if I ever shopped at Victoria’s Secret.

Just the fact that my 86 year old Dad knows about Victoria’s Secret is a little unsettling.

I just assumed it was something my Mom had clipped out of the paper.  I wasn’t quite sure why my Dad was involved but stranger things have happened with those two.

My mother is usually the one who sends coupons for things she thinks I might want to try or I might use.  She spreads the wealth and sends coupons to all three of us girls.  Problem is she keeps forgetting who needs what.  Plus she gets very excited and wants to know if we received them and if we used them.

Not a problem except for months she sent cat food coupons to my sister who only has dogs, diaper coupons to my sister who has college age kids and expired coupons to me.  It made for a few giggles on our part but it didn’t make my sister get a cat or my other sister decide to have another baby!

I thought perhaps because of these mishaps that Dad decided to take over the couponing.

No, he just wanted to send me this one coupon.

Once I received it my reactions ranged from ewwww to maybe I should be flattered to how did an 86 yr old man get on Victoria Secrets mailing list?

This is the coupon I received:

KSCN0001

In fairness to my Dad and knowing how he quickly  scans thing, he more than likely focused on the FREE part.  That’s my story and I am sticking to it.

Let’s not leave out Mom here..she was the one who actually sent it!!

While I am not into granny panties, these aren’t my style either but I appreciate the thought.

Lastly I never asked my Dad why he sent this coupon..there are some questions I just don’t want to ask.

AND there is something to be said for just sucking it up and paying full price…sometimes.

Plus there are those paybacks.  If I am lucky enough to live to 86 yrs old I hope I provide as much entertainment to my kids as my parents do for us!

Love you guys!  Keep laughing!

Asking for a do over as I begin again on my virtual triathlon

Well I had good intentions of starting my virtual triathlon from Virginia to Florida  on Jan 14th.  Well as they say:

Sh*&t Stuff happens, like life.

Also had good intentions of posting my progress on a weekly basis.  (see above)

Wish I could get a do over but lately I have been like a dog in a room full of squirrel, totally distracted and unproductive and  frustrated.

So  I never made it into the water, or on the road or on my bike the week of Jan 14th.

The good news is  I am now on a  roll and I am a movin and a groovin.   So without telling anyone I  humbly asked for a restart.

The new official start date was January 21st!  And as you can tell from today’s date ( Feb 11th) I am running behind in the updates.

My biggest hang-ups getting started ( aside from my chronic procrastination) were:

  • Getting the bike set up.
  • Getting over my love of being outdoors ( I really do grieve that)
  • My  hatred of treadmills.
  • Getting my butt to the pool.

Out of all of those the biggest frustration was the bike.  So it went something like this.

1. Clear a spot in our disaster of a basement for my bike.

2. Get bike trainer set up.  Watch video of how to do it ( I’ve done it once before but “poof” I forgot how)

3. Get ready to call Kinetic to tell them their video sucks because the set-up instructions are buried in one of the segments.

Phew!!  Ended up being easier than I thought.

4.  Realize this part of the basement is extremely warm. The rest of my house is chilly..what gives?

5.  Get on my bike and uh oh no way to track mileage.

6.  Get on google, get on Amazon..get what I need ordered, pay for 1 day  shipping.

7. Clean up basement =move all of the stuff from one room to another, move couches and desks by myself.  Call it a day.

8.  Watch it rain for the 6th day straight and wonder if I should be boating down to Florida.

9. Get cadence /mileage sensor.  Instructions suck.  Google comes in to rescue me.  Still can’t  figure it out.

10.  Clean  more  of   basement and decide SOMEONE in this family is a hoarder.

11.   Throw in the towel on the start of my virtual tri..

I FINALLY got the sensor installed on my bike.  The reviewers on Amazon were wrong or we have different ideas of what an easy set up  means.  I did learn what a crank shaft is and and a chain stay (not as exciting as it sounds!)

Here’s a photo of a bike on a trainer ( and yes I wear my clip in shoes)..tried one of me but the lighting in the old basement pretty much stinks!

bike trainer

So the good news is I DID get started.  The even better news is I LOVE being on my bike inside !  Who knew?  I have made it out to run but have yet to get to the pool although that is coming.

Ugh..the thought of putting on a swimsuit in February and not being in the tropics is not that appealing but it must be done.

So here is my total mileage as of Feb 11th.  I have traveled about 41 miles.  Which puts me somewhere on Ruffin Rd and of course still in Virginia.

I have about 50 more miles before I cross into North Carolina.  mmmm guess I had better get busy biking, running and swimming!

Keep Triing!

My life as a sitcom…new ways not to shower!

I thought having two guys that worked out and all their smelly work out clothes had pretty much indoctrinated me to the world of manly smells. Add on the experience of three pre-teens who thought showering was optional and I claimed to be a smell expert.  

Out of 2 daughters and  a son I was not surprised that the girls got the showering thing down faster than my son ( as in you need to do it every day not just once a week or when you clear a room with your smell)

So I was quite surprised to find that grown, well educated women had come up with a new way not to shower!

Yes you read that right. Grown women not showering.

But wait there’s more.

Not showering AFTER a workout and going on to work.   Boy do I feel sorry for their officemates

While I can’t reveal my source this is first hand info from a guy who wears his work out clothes until they practically beg to be washed and even he is grossed out by the no showering thing.

Here is the deal.  These women workout on the treadmill, or eliptical or bike.

They place industrial size fans in front of the equipment.

My gym does not have these so I guess if you are going to do this you have to pick the gym by the size of their fans.

They work out and presumably sweat just like the rest of us .  The fans however are running at full speed and make it seem like they don’t sweat and I guess they still feel fresh and clean after their workout because ….

THEY DO NOT SHOWER AFTERWARDS!

What????  I really didn’t believe this at first so I had it verified by several people.

I even wondered if the fans were to alleviate hot flashes but no..and even if they were to relieve those short bursts of personal summers, a shower would still be needed.

Is this a new form of multi tasking?  Have we gotten so busy that we have reverted to the hygiene ( or should that be hijinks) of a 12 year old boy?

Honestly if my son had thought of this when he was twelve I would have laughed and given him credit for being inventive as I hurried his smelly bod into the shower.

The guys hate the fans.  Let’s face it, guys sweat way more than most women so when the fans are on presumably keeping the gals fresh enough for the rest of the day, the guys are freezing their buns off.

One guy tried to turn the fans off and all hell broke loose and bit by bit the no showering thing was revealed.

Pretty soon all gyms will have to add to their list of rules posted in the gym.  You know the ones:

  • No spitting
  • No swearing
  • Wipe off the equipment when you are finished
  • Limit your workout to 30 minutes when people are waiting

AND

The fans DO NOT REPLACE taking a shower!

big fan

Of all the strides women have made in the workforce I don’t think smelling like a guy at the office was ever on the list.

I just can’t make this stuff up.  It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer thought it was okay to shower AND rinse his produce ( lettuce etc) at the same time.

EWWWWW

We are women hear us roar smell us coming.

OMG  I think I just gave that reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” an idea.

Auto correct, spell check and still the typos continue..enjoy all of mine :)

A dear friend of mine, Sherra has a wonderful weekly blog post called  Typo Tuesday at her website:

Sherralifelesson.com

She has an eye for typos and most are fall down on the floor funny.

My latest favorite was found on a restaurant menu that stated:

Pan fried Tilapia served over oven roasted tomato sauce on a bed of anger hair pasta.

Sherra had an actual photo of the menu listing  to prove she isn’t making these things up.  She has hooked all of us who read her blog into looking for these funny mistakes so she can put them in her posts.

I love and I hate Typo Tuesday.  I love it because it makes me laugh.  I hate dislike it intensely because Sherra makes us look for the typos ourselves and sometimes I can’t find them.

Arghhhhh   When I can’t find them I am reminded how VERY often I have  proof read a blog post only to find I posted it with  a glaring typo.

Sherra has a wonderful sense of humor and even busts herself when she finds she has  committed the heinous crime of a typo.

Her generosity and self deprecation allows me to forgive myself when I am so very human and OMG have a typo or grammatical error in my posts.

For some people, however, typos are like nails on a chalkboard.  If they don’t point them out they start to sweat, twitch and perhaps convulse.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it when someone finds a mistake and I can correct it.

BUT ( you saw that coming)  please, please, please FIRST find something nice to say about the content, even if it’s

“Gosh I love the font you used!”   🙂

I can guarantee if  anyone gives you something to read for feedback ( child or adult) they want you to read it for content  FIRST!

There are certain people I will never again share first drafts with because they made me feel like they were dying to take a red pen and mark all over it with glee.

I LOVE how Michael Port, author of  “Book Yourself Solid” ends his e-mails:

P.S. I don’t charge for typos, they are my gift to you.

I may have to shamelessly steal that line.

I heard someone recently say they won’t share anything that has a typo in it but they bent the rule and shared something with a glaring typo because the content was soo good.

I guess the editors and publishers of these authors  (well known to be awful at spelling)  thought the same way!  The content was just too good!

  • William Faulkner
  • Ernest Hemingway
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • Jane Austen

Oh and for those of you who also pick up on grammatical errors  I share the following funny:comic rewrite contest 1

Bottom line?  Enjoy the posts, laugh, send me corrections but please first tell me you love my font choice!

See me tri to catch those typos!!

Communication at it’s worse..my life as a sitcom, baby boomer edition.

I have never actually read the book ” Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” but after the following conversation with my husband I believe he may be from Jupiter.

Turns out I don’t need to talk to my parents to get funny posts, I can get them right in the car having a conversation with my husband.

So here is how the conversation in the car went:

Me: Hey do you want to go see the “Body Worlds and the Brain”  exhibition at the Richmond Science museum?  It is a display of actual human bodies and you can see their organs and all kinds of interesting stuff.   Wasn’t sure if you would think it was fascinating or gross.  I could check it out online and send you the info.

Side note: I am a nurse so this stuff would definitely not intimidate me and I am still hearing about a movie I suggested we see when we were dating called “Coma” and how it was really too gruesome for him.  This coming from someone who loves action movies and weird science fiction.

Paul: Really?? Actual bodies.  I wonder gastrointestinal where they get them.

Me: Probably from people who donate their bodies to science.  You know Rosemary and Tony are planning on donating their bodies to science.

Paul: Are you kidding me?  Tony and Rosemary are going to come to Richmond and are not going to stop and see us?

Side note: Took me a few seconds to comprehend what he just said.

Me: Well Paul if they are in the display of ” Body Worlds and the Brain ” because they donated their bodies to science, um NO they are not stopping by because, well they wouldn’t be alive!!

Evidently Paul thinks death is not a good reason to not come visit us when you are nearby.

I must have been speaking like  Charlie Brown’s teacher and this is what Paul chose to hear:

Wha, wha wha, Tony, Rosemary, wha wha in Richmond.

Charlie Browns teacher

So much for communication.    I’m really thinking those script writers need to call me for material.

And to our good friends Tony and Rosemary, please come visit anytime.  Paul thinks you would  be good company no matter what!  I do too but I prefer you be breathing.

Keep laughing!