Archives for 2012

My life as a sitcom…new ways not to shower!

I thought having two guys that worked out and all their smelly work out clothes had pretty much indoctrinated me to the world of manly smells. Add on the experience of three pre-teens who thought showering was optional and I claimed to be a smell expert.  

Out of 2 daughters and  a son I was not surprised that the girls got the showering thing down faster than my son ( as in you need to do it every day not just once a week or when you clear a room with your smell)

So I was quite surprised to find that grown, well educated women had come up with a new way not to shower!

Yes you read that right. Grown women not showering.

But wait there’s more.

Not showering AFTER a workout and going on to work.   Boy do I feel sorry for their officemates

While I can’t reveal my source this is first hand info from a guy who wears his work out clothes until they practically beg to be washed and even he is grossed out by the no showering thing.

Here is the deal.  These women workout on the treadmill, or eliptical or bike.

They place industrial size fans in front of the equipment.

My gym does not have these so I guess if you are going to do this you have to pick the gym by the size of their fans.

They work out and presumably sweat just like the rest of us .  The fans however are running at full speed and make it seem like they don’t sweat and I guess they still feel fresh and clean after their workout because ….

THEY DO NOT SHOWER AFTERWARDS!

What????  I really didn’t believe this at first so I had it verified by several people.

I even wondered if the fans were to alleviate hot flashes but no..and even if they were to relieve those short bursts of personal summers, a shower would still be needed.

Is this a new form of multi tasking?  Have we gotten so busy that we have reverted to the hygiene ( or should that be hijinks) of a 12 year old boy?

Honestly if my son had thought of this when he was twelve I would have laughed and given him credit for being inventive as I hurried his smelly bod into the shower.

The guys hate the fans.  Let’s face it, guys sweat way more than most women so when the fans are on presumably keeping the gals fresh enough for the rest of the day, the guys are freezing their buns off.

One guy tried to turn the fans off and all hell broke loose and bit by bit the no showering thing was revealed.

Pretty soon all gyms will have to add to their list of rules posted in the gym.  You know the ones:

  • No spitting
  • No swearing
  • Wipe off the equipment when you are finished
  • Limit your workout to 30 minutes when people are waiting

AND

The fans DO NOT REPLACE taking a shower!

big fan

Of all the strides women have made in the workforce I don’t think smelling like a guy at the office was ever on the list.

I just can’t make this stuff up.  It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer thought it was okay to shower AND rinse his produce ( lettuce etc) at the same time.

EWWWWW

We are women hear us roar smell us coming.

OMG  I think I just gave that reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” an idea.

Auto correct, spell check and still the typos continue..enjoy all of mine :)

A dear friend of mine, Sherra has a wonderful weekly blog post called  Typo Tuesday at her website:

Sherralifelesson.com

She has an eye for typos and most are fall down on the floor funny.

My latest favorite was found on a restaurant menu that stated:

Pan fried Tilapia served over oven roasted tomato sauce on a bed of anger hair pasta.

Sherra had an actual photo of the menu listing  to prove she isn’t making these things up.  She has hooked all of us who read her blog into looking for these funny mistakes so she can put them in her posts.

I love and I hate Typo Tuesday.  I love it because it makes me laugh.  I hate dislike it intensely because Sherra makes us look for the typos ourselves and sometimes I can’t find them.

Arghhhhh   When I can’t find them I am reminded how VERY often I have  proof read a blog post only to find I posted it with  a glaring typo.

Sherra has a wonderful sense of humor and even busts herself when she finds she has  committed the heinous crime of a typo.

Her generosity and self deprecation allows me to forgive myself when I am so very human and OMG have a typo or grammatical error in my posts.

For some people, however, typos are like nails on a chalkboard.  If they don’t point them out they start to sweat, twitch and perhaps convulse.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it when someone finds a mistake and I can correct it.

BUT ( you saw that coming)  please, please, please FIRST find something nice to say about the content, even if it’s

“Gosh I love the font you used!”   🙂

I can guarantee if  anyone gives you something to read for feedback ( child or adult) they want you to read it for content  FIRST!

There are certain people I will never again share first drafts with because they made me feel like they were dying to take a red pen and mark all over it with glee.

I LOVE how Michael Port, author of  “Book Yourself Solid” ends his e-mails:

P.S. I don’t charge for typos, they are my gift to you.

I may have to shamelessly steal that line.

I heard someone recently say they won’t share anything that has a typo in it but they bent the rule and shared something with a glaring typo because the content was soo good.

I guess the editors and publishers of these authors  (well known to be awful at spelling)  thought the same way!  The content was just too good!

  • William Faulkner
  • Ernest Hemingway
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • Jane Austen

Oh and for those of you who also pick up on grammatical errors  I share the following funny:comic rewrite contest 1

Bottom line?  Enjoy the posts, laugh, send me corrections but please first tell me you love my font choice!

See me tri to catch those typos!!

Let’s Tri this again!

If you are a regular reader of this blog you may be wondering why the blog posts lately have not mentioned one thing about triathlons.

Me too!

It has been a season of fighting myself in regards to triathlons  and actually any kind of training.

I had a great intentions of doing my usual tri’s and adding a few more but I became the queen of excuses and procrastination.

The summer here in Virginia seemed to start in Feb.  At least my daffodils thought so and here is the proof.

Daffodils in the snow

It WAS a hot, hot summer.  Not only is this true but it was my main reason for not training consistently.

Then the whining started..no time, no close access to a “good” pool, it’s raining,my back hurts, I just ate and the dog ate my running shoes.

Okay the last one is a total lie but the fact is I was full of excuses or just plain full of it.

Truth is the last ” official ” race I did was a 10k in March.

I even weenied out on my first official “See Jenn Tri” triathlon.  This was an idea I came up with to make up for all the triathlons I missed.  I was going to do my own triathlon just for me with just one participant: ME!

Finally I sat myself down and decided I needed to get a grip and get moving .

  • I put together my halo swim trainer that I bought in March and started using it just this week.
  • I started running
  • I forgave myself for being such a slacker this summer

Amazing things can happen when you forgive yourself.

  • I am actually enjoying  my runs again and look forward to them! ( that hasn’t happened in a long time)
  • My back is not hurting before or after my runs ( Maybe I needed the rest??)
  • I allow myself to either run the planned distance or time OR do a walk run
  • When I don’t feel like running or exercising I find if I just make the effort to get out there I am always happier with myself than if I blow it off

I am not a fiercely competitive person.  I love to get out there and participate.  What my time is and where I placed are low on the totem pole.  It is more about enjoying myself and being a part of these fun events.

So it was a summer of learning.   I learned I do not like to run in 1oo% humidity and 99 degree weather.  If I am to run a marathon ( it is on my list) it is going to have to be one in the early spring.

I will run in the summer but just to keep my running up to par.  For me, summer is better suited to swimming and biking.

I am also looking into joining a tri-training group.  I have been going it alone for too long.

Mostly I have learned to give myself some grace and be a little more gentle and generous with myself.

I have a 10k in October that is being run alongside the Marine Corps Marathon.  I can’t wait.  I am not sure which is more exciting..the actual run or the fact that I am now comfortable with where I am in this process.

I think I will just follow this rule that hangs by my desk:

Celebrate Everything

Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a break and hit the refresh button.  I fought myself on this all summer.   Once I quit fighting it  the path became clear.

What will you hit the refresh button on today?  As for me, I gotta run!  🙂

Communication at it’s worse..my life as a sitcom, baby boomer edition.

I have never actually read the book ” Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” but after the following conversation with my husband I believe he may be from Jupiter.

Turns out I don’t need to talk to my parents to get funny posts, I can get them right in the car having a conversation with my husband.

So here is how the conversation in the car went:

Me: Hey do you want to go see the “Body Worlds and the Brain”  exhibition at the Richmond Science museum?  It is a display of actual human bodies and you can see their organs and all kinds of interesting stuff.   Wasn’t sure if you would think it was fascinating or gross.  I could check it out online and send you the info.

Side note: I am a nurse so this stuff would definitely not intimidate me and I am still hearing about a movie I suggested we see when we were dating called “Coma” and how it was really too gruesome for him.  This coming from someone who loves action movies and weird science fiction.

Paul: Really?? Actual bodies.  I wonder gastrointestinal where they get them.

Me: Probably from people who donate their bodies to science.  You know Rosemary and Tony are planning on donating their bodies to science.

Paul: Are you kidding me?  Tony and Rosemary are going to come to Richmond and are not going to stop and see us?

Side note: Took me a few seconds to comprehend what he just said.

Me: Well Paul if they are in the display of ” Body Worlds and the Brain ” because they donated their bodies to science, um NO they are not stopping by because, well they wouldn’t be alive!!

Evidently Paul thinks death is not a good reason to not come visit us when you are nearby.

I must have been speaking like  Charlie Brown’s teacher and this is what Paul chose to hear:

Wha, wha wha, Tony, Rosemary, wha wha in Richmond.

Charlie Browns teacher

So much for communication.    I’m really thinking those script writers need to call me for material.

And to our good friends Tony and Rosemary, please come visit anytime.  Paul thinks you would  be good company no matter what!  I do too but I prefer you be breathing.

Keep laughing!

Look what the younger crowd has done to me…

It was bound to happen.  Hanging with the younger crowd has led to me to say something that even has me shaking my head.

I have had the good fortune for most of my life to have little ones around.  As a nurse I have been blessed to witness quite a few babies take their first breaths.  I am an expert at quick diaper changes and swaddling!

When my kids got older I had  a niece and nephew come along to keep me in step with the toddler crowd.

Just as they started getting bigger we started having grandchildren.  We had one a year for five years.  Our youngest grandson , Tristun evened things out last December making it 3 boys and 3 girls.

So it had to happen.  My brain got stuck in toddler mode.

Paul and I went to the movies on Sat.  It was a rainy day and the theater was crowded so we rushed to find seats.  Not wanting to have the movie interrupted by the call of nature  I left Paul to save our seats and made the customary before movie pit stop.

After I returned I settled into my seat, turned to Paul and said …

” Don’t you have to go potty”?

oops for blog_0001

I realized what I said as soon as I said it , gasped and then burst out laughing.  Paul wasn’t so amused.  He was grateful I had used my “inside voice” and not announced it to the whole theater.

I think I need to start hanging out with an older crowd.

Too bad “Everybody Loves Raymond” isn’t still in production.  I am sure they could have made a whole show out of this one.

Reality shows are never as good as real life.    Feel free to share those funny moments in your life so I know I am not alone!

My life as a sitcom, part 3! (another Bettyism)

My parents, both 85, own a computer.  I am happy to say that it is  more than an expensive way to play solitaire.  My father uses it to keep up with friends, find and send jokes, and when the stars are aligned he can open up photos sent to him  and my Mom of their 10  great grandkids.

I never trust that the stars will be aligned.  It is actually less  frustrating to send them photos via real/snail mail.

My mother doesn’t really understand the computer or the internet.  She prefers landlines to cell phones and facebook  just baffles her.   She loves to send real mail.  I have lots of memories of her sitting in the kitchen writing letters every morning when I would come down to breakfast.

The mix of technology and the tried and true ways often leads to some humorous moments.

Text message for seejenntri blog post

Recently my sister phoned me and said that she had told Mom her electric was out and to use the cell phone.  She was irritated because when the electric did come back on there were 15  thirty seconds or longer voicemails on her landline from Mom.  In each message my Mother was getting more and more irritated that my sister had not returned her calls.

“I don’t know why she did that, I told her our electricity was out”

I was a little puzzled myself but finally figured it out.  My Mom may be 85 but she is still pretty sharp.  She can also be very literal in her thinking.

So this is what she heard ”  Susan’s electricity is out so I have to use the cell”  Great, I can do that!

The next time she  needed to call Susan she got my Dad’s cell and called Susan’s landline!  15 times!

Makes sense to me.

And this is why I should probably write my own sitcom!

I found this the other day and it had all the earmarks of a Bettyism!. Enjoy!

When Mom thinks you run the internet

Friends don’t let friends ride their bikes naked!

Well its true!  Actually I am pretty adamant about not letting my friends ride naked.  Those that do get me riled up and on my soapbox.

Wait.  Maybe I should clarify naked.

OR

Maybe I should have gone with my first choice for a title which was really a question.

What do ER nurses call people who ride naked?

Have I got your attention?

Good and you will be relieved to know that it’s not THAT kind of naked.   Its the nothing on your   head kind of naked as in:

No bike helmet

Hang in here with me and I promise it will be worth your while.

Actually if you are a grown adult and choose not to wear a helmet then I guess its your choice.  I have heard everything from

  • it’s uncomfortable
  • messes my hair up
  • too much trouble
  • just haven’t bought one yet
  • they are ugly
  • never wore one as a kid.

I never wore one as a kid either but  as the saying goes:

” when we know better we do better”.

As for the rest of the excuses, sounds like a lot of inexcusable whining to me.

Here is what gets me on my soapbox.  Most bike helmet laws are for kids 14  and under. I guess brains older than 14 are expendable??

AND lately I have been seeing  several Moms out riding with their kids.  ALL the kids have helmets on, the Moms do not.

WHAT??

Guess its “do as I say, not as I do time”    Holy cow.

Here are a few stats for those of you who like to ride with a naked head.   I was surprised at the ages of most fatalities.

From the Nation Highway Traffic Safety Administration:

  • Wearing a bike helmet can reduce your chance of head injury 85%.
  • Most helmet laws are for kids 14 and under.
  • 87% of  fatal bicycle crashes happen to people 16 and older.
  • Average age of injury  30 years old
  • Average age of fatality 41 years old

Just so you know that if 85% of all kids wore bike helmets the lifetime medical savings would be between $197 million and $256 milllion.

Now if we can only get those knuckle head Moms to put one on.

So remember these two things:

What DO most ER nurses call people who don’t wear bike helmets ( or as I like to call it, riding naked) ?

ORGAN DONORS

And on a lighter note:

Have fun with it..who says you can’t make a fashion statement with a bike helmet ?  Not this guy!Cristiano

Go put your helmet !  NOW !

Grandma’s T-shirt had a best friend too! Who knew?

Remember how I discovered my t-shirt has a best-friend?   Well it turns out that party in our  closest has been going on for generations.

My grandmother was born in 1902 and lived a full 90 years.    That is a lot of party time for her bra’s and shirts blouses.  Honestly I am not sure she ever ever wore a t-shirt.

How do I know the party started generations ago?  Well look what I found in a box of memorabilia that belonged to my Grandma.

bosom friend 2

Whoa!  Go Grandma!

When she was a young ingenue, Victoria’s Secret truly was a secret yet to be revealed.

I imagine the bras my grandmother endured were built for function ( probably by a man) and not all that imagineear.com/pharmacy/ attractive or comfortable but they managed to have friends anyways.

One can only imagine what this friend did for my Grandma…

Inside bosom friend

Carried her

  • Extra cash
  • smokes
  • number of her next hook up ( sorry grams)
  • gum
  • lipstick
  • ???

I only wish Grandma had left some hint as to what she really did carry.  Come to think of it my Grandma hailed form West Virginia.

Where is that box of memorabilia?  When I find it my guess is I’ll find a cute little flask, just big enough to hold a few sips of moonshine and small enough to fit in her bosom buddy.

Rock on Grandma..that is a true bosom buddy!

Too much gravity at our house..everything ends up in the basement!

Does anyone else have this problem?  Every house we have owned seems to have too much gravity.  The house seems to find all the excess stuff we have lying around and pulls it  into the basement.  The “stuff” has no issues with infertility because it breeds overnight and at a rapid pace quickly filling any empty spaces.

I am declaring war on the gravity, the incessant “stuff” breeding and cranking up the number of garbage and recycling bins we own!

Grown kids stuff is on its way out.  Actual quote from my daughter when I loaded her van with 3 bins of HER stuff

( and there is more to come).

Julie:”I don’t want this stuff.”

Me:  “Well its yours and I am no longer in the storage business.”

Julie ( with a big sigh)  “I hope you are giving  Sarah ( her sister) just as many boxes of her crap as you are giving me!”

Good grief..does sibling rivalry never end?  Truth be told her sister took all her stuff ages ago.  I did keep her really breakable keepsakes because she has two very active boys that don’t mix well with breakables.

Next up, our son, Michael.  For some reason he has less stuff.  He is home on vacation from working overseas so I grabbed the opportunity to present him with his boxes to go through.  He wants to chuck it all.   Somehow I see myself just checking to make sure he is not throwing away anything valuable.  Arghhh

By the way if you are in the same space I am ( move it out and reclaim the basement) make sure you go through the pockets of pants and coats.  I am making a small fortune on forgotten money left in pockets.  Yeehaw!

Last on the list is the hubby.  This will be a true test to see if he ever allergy reads this blog.  His loves to say  ” don’t get rid of that, it may be valuable someday.”   I wish I had a  funny example but since he says it all the time my mind is a blank.  Think of your own funny example and paste it here ( oh and put it in the comment section, I could use a good laugh)

My teenage years as champion eye rolling queen come in handy when he pulls out the “valuable someday line.”

Here are a few rules when cleaning out “stored” items with the hubby.

  1. Don’t do it together.
  2. Moving and cleaning out basements often lead to thoughts of doing bodily harm to the other person.
  3. See rule #1
  4. Clean it out and donate it before he even sees it.  He will never know its missing.   ( okay..ya gotta play fair here)  No throwing out his favorite really ugly shirt or running shorts..he will miss those.  I am talking about real junk..be nice because paybacks are really ugly.
  5. Again, see rule #1

We have rule #1 for wall papering as well but since we don’t plan on ever doing that again I think we are safe.

I want to test the house for this excess gravity and get some sort of remediation done before the show “Hoarders” shows up.

It might be easier to confess that some of the stuff is mine and needs to go.

Julie just called..had a burning question about “House Hunters”  (spoiler alert)

Just so you know they ALWAYS pick the empty house because  it has already been bought before the filming started!

Her brother just arrived to visit and I asked:
There are more to come :)
” So did you get the boxes I sent?”

“What boxes?”

“The boxes of YOUR stuff”   ”

REALLY MOM?  REALLY?  ( audible eye rolling)  Teehee..there is more to come!

I would post photos of the mess but its way too embarrassing.

My T-shirt has a best friend..who knew?

I was recently in one of my favorite stores.  In my group of friends we refer to it by its little known french name  Tarjay…you may know it as Target.    A couple of my friends refer to it as the “hundred dollar store” since that is what their bill always seems to be.

I must be getting rusty since one of my recent outings there was just one dollar!

So I was ambling down the aisle the other day and much to my surprise I discovered that my t-shirt has a best friend.

Really?  Does this mean I have to arrange play dates?

Turns out I was in for about 15 minutes of entertainment.  What can I say, I am easily amused.

Where was I you ask?

I made the mistake of thinking I could just whip into the “lingerie aisle”, pick up a couple of bras in my size and be on my merry way.

NOT

Yes, true confessions.  I buy my bras at Target but maybe for not much longer.

Bra shopping in and of itself can be maddening.  Once you find one you like and fits you well you had better buy all you can afford because the evil bra makers will discontinue it if they find out it is well liked.  I don’t understand their logic but that is what seems to happen to me and lots of other women.

So this is the first sign I see that led to believe there is whole new world of bra relationships out there!Tshirts best friendNot just my t-shirts BFF but her NEW BFF!  Wow…what have I been missing here..there is a party in my closet that I was NOT invited to!

Of course no relationship would be complete without that helpful bra!Helpful bra!

Lift me and I’ll return the favor!

Gives new meaning to the phrase  “tit for tat”

This was getting good.  Who knew this would be so entertaining.

Turns out there is one that gives away the secret to SMOOTH success!Secret to smooth success

And its beyond bare. Funny I thought beyond bare was just plain naked.

This next one has it all wrong.Genie bra what all women wish forI got news for the Genie bra..this is not what all women wish for. Last  time I checked most women wanted a cleaning lady, a nap and dinner ready when they got home.  Maybe that has changed since the bestseller “The 50 Shades of Grey ” has come out.  I’ll let you know after I read it. Who wants to lend it to me?

On top of everything else now our bras need to be accessorized.   Give them a BFF and they become high maintenance.

bra accessoirs$24.99 to accessorize my bra?  Not happening  here no matter what her BFF  says.

And this one doesn’t want to confused with anything techy..so instead of wireless its

Wirelesswire free and not short on self -esteem since it deemed itself  “simply perfect”

And of  course we have to have the “Snooky” in this group of  bra friends.2 times sexy  adds 2 cups

mmmm..no thanks.

Last but not least we have the over achieving bra.self expressions full support stays up all day heaven sent of your dreamsIt is the bra of your dreams, stays up ALL day and I would guess the night as well, it self expresses and is heaven sent.

WOW!

I did end up finding two bras, not sure if they are becoming my t-shirts new BFF.  I’ll let you know.  In the meantime I have to check out this new store that actually gives its bras names like Hannah, Misty and Suzi.

I can just see it now.

“What a pretty name, were you named after a relative?   “No  I was named after Mommy’s favorite bra!

Gotta run…I hear a party going on in my closet!