I totally unpacked my suitcase today. I just dumped it out on the floor. Socks, shorts, pj’s, underwear, shirts,loose change and little pieces of trash spread in a not so artistic heap on the rug at the end of my bed. I went to the bathroom and dumped my other bag and watched my makeup, hairdryer, shampoo and other stuff tumble all over the vanity and into the sinks.
I shut the door and walked away. Later tonight or tomorrow I will gather it up and repack it for the umpteenth time since March 31st.
Max , my goofy golden retriever, understands. I dumped his bag out as well and then hid it. He is tired of being packed up as well.
I wish it was as easy to unpack my heart.
I didn’t mean to put my grief on hold. It just happened. I was the one to make the phone calls. My sisters cried, my brother swore. I immediately went into nurse mode where I parked my emotions and did the tasks at hand. I packed as quickly as I could and got on the road to be with Mom.
Almost 3 months later I have not spent an entire week at home. I long for that sense of routine, the comfort of my own bed, and the warmth of familiar surroundings. I get a few days here and there but not enough to settle in and truly be with all that has happened.
I need that time to unpack my heart.
Unpacking my heart cannot be done quickly. Unlike my suitcase I will not unceremoniously dump it onto the floor. It will take some care and finesse. I want to embrace the memories and feel my Dads’ presence as I unpack. Much like pulling a well loved book or photo off the shelf I see myself running my hand over the cover or image and smiling as the texture of each memory feels familiar in my hand and my heart. Gently I will place it where it will wait patiently to be brought forth again and again and fill me not with sorrow but with gratitude and joy.
I needed to dump my suitcase today if for nothing else than to realize I cannot do the same to my heart. A gesture out of frustration and weariness unexpectedly led me to a new beginning.
Everyday I have prayed for guidance to help my family and especially my Mom. I forgot to pray for my own needs and yet I realized today I was not forgotten. I did not ask and yet I received.
I know He will be beside me as I unpack my heart and I am grateful for His presence.
