Note: This was written several months ago and I forgot to post it. It is still true even though the immediate threat of Covid seems to have subsided and other big events have happened in my life.
Grief caught up with me unexpectedly the other day in a most joyful event. While I have not lost anyone I am close to from Covid I did lose a close friend who became ill during Covid and died 9 months later. The most devastating part was that I never got to see her or really connect with her during her whole illness. We texted and I sent her cards and a few gifts but no phone calls and no in person visits. Covid was the big factor as was her illness that left her with only brief time frames of energy that were obviously saved for her family.
Honestly it is my biggest regret that I never got to speak with her.
We started as neighbors and eventually there was a whole group of us that became our second family. Our kids grew up together, we shared first grandchildren together and it wouldn’t be a wedding or special event without all these special people present.
As these things go we all ended up moving away to various places but we still managed to get together quarterly. That of course ended with Covid. Our actual last get together with most of us was a year ago at our dear friends funeral. Even that kept several people away.
A few months ago we had our first together with everyone. Well almost. I was so happy to be there in the presence of these people I so love. Paul and I are so lucky to have this group of friends who know us so well. Honestly sometimes a close of group of friends is like family without the drama..phew..how wonderful is that?
And yet…I felt my friends absence immensely…not so much during lunch but when we left I was sad. Our group was incomplete. It was uneven. 5 men, 4 women. A big hole at the table and in our hearts.
Also the first thing I heard when I sat down is that her hubby has a new significant other. My immediate reaction was ” I don’t know how I feel about that.” I was honest and true about that. I only said it to one person but it was and is the truth.
The so called “right” answer is “Good for him”. He was lonely and he found companionship. And truth be told my friend would not want her hubby to be sad and lonely.
Still it was hard for me. If times had been normal I would have had more contact with my friend before her death. Our friend group would have been together more and I would have gotten used to her not being there. It was a lot all at once.
So thanks Covid. Here is the other part. If you lose a family member or even a beloved pet people understand and allow you to grieve for however long you need. Friend grief doesn’t seem to get that same liberal time frame. People hear about it, offer condolences and move on. I get it and yet I am still grieving her loss.
I think the subtle affects of the isolation that Covid brought and grief were sneaky beasts that grabbed my heart and stomped on it hard.
I know the best way to honor my friend is to make the most of each day, stay healthy and cherish all my friends and family. The other thing I need and maybe you do too is permission to mourn whatever losses you have had for however long you need. There will always be a hole in our group, I will always miss her humor, laugh and friendship.
Be kind to yourself in this crazy time of trying to stay healthy with Covid ( hopefully) in the background. Give yourself whatever time you need to process and move forward. It is new territory for everyone and we are all doing the best we can.
As always..keep triing.
