Sometimes the most thoughtful thing you can do to connect with someone is also the hardest.
Losing someone you love dearly is gut wrenching. Saying goodbye is never easy even if the person you are saying goodbye to has had a long and good life.
I think there is an added dimension of grief when it is a young child or baby.
We all have good intentions when supporting our friends and family during this emotional tearful time. We bring food, we call, we send cards and then….well then it gets awkward. Do we bring another meal, send another card or do we even bring it up at all?
Do we mention their name?
We are afraid of adding to the grief, of being the reminder that their loved one or friend is gone. We long for them to find joy again, to take away their pain, to have it all be good.
So often we say or do nothing and promise ourselves we will call tomorrow or send a card in a few days. Those days become weeks and soon it has been months since we have made that promise.
We have all done it. Put a BIG guilty stamp on my forehead.
And then I had an amazing lesson in what I know to be true.
Many of you know I work at our local hospital in the Mother Infant Unit. I work with some awesome women. The vast majority are younger than I am so we have lots of co- workers having babies. We get so excited over one of our own having a baby. So much so that you never know we see it on a daily basis.
One of our co-workers was 16 weeks pregnant when shewent to her OB appointment and discovered her baby’s heart had stopped. She was devastated. We all felt horrible. We supported her as best we could and after a little while she returned to work. It must have been so difficult to come back to work and see all the Moms with their newborns but she did it.
Fast forward to 4 1/2 months later and I sat down next to Carol to chart on the computer. I suddenly realized that her original due date was that month.
I had a little conversation with myself. Do I say anything? Does she want to remember? We are at work, will it upset her too much? Finally I felt a gentle nudge at my heart. I like to think it was spirit or perhaps my guardian angel who whispered “What would you want?’
So I leaned over and said ” I just want you to know that I didn’t forget your baby would have been here this month and I am thinking of you.” She thanked me, smiled and then leaned into me and said “Want to know a secret?” I nodded and she said “I’m pregnant” I was one of the first to share her joy. What a privilege!
That was three years ago. She welcomed a healthy son into the world to join her two daughters. I KNOW she has not forgotten the baby that will never get to grow up with the other three. And even if my gesture had not been met with such joy I know it would have been appreciated that I remembered her little one.
I keep that in mind when friends have lost loved ones. I mention them. I share a memory. I keep their photo on my frig. I want them to know I did not forget.
So being thoughtful can sometimes be hard, but it is worth it. It is so important.
And as gently as I can say this “Go out and make it a Thoughtful One!”
